Dating When You’re Both Burnt Out Creatives
We have been crispy. Here’s how we changed it around.
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For the past couple of weeks, my husband and I have been pretty burnt out. I’ve been doing okay-ish. It’s just getting used to the workload that I had in front of me after my hiatus was a little rougher than I thought.
My husband, on the other hand, is what I’d call extra crispy. At one point, I actually had to beg him to get out of bed. That’s when I realized he needed more than just time to play video games and sleep.
A lot of my friends have been going through similar stuff.
A couple months ago, my friend called me up in tears because her boyfriend didn’t leave the bed for four weeks and stopped eating after he found out he was blackballed from his music industry.
As a creative married to another creative, I might as well show how we regroup as a couple. It might help you support your spouse as well.
Note: For the sake of this article, I am not going to involve any talk of kava, kratom, or cannabis, which I use to keep my PTSD at bay. I haven’t really found a therapist I can afford who specializes in what I went through, so I do what I can.
Hitting self-care venues.
This time around, I made a day of making my husband feel loved and cared for. One of the biggest reasons for burnout (outside of excessive work) is feeling like you’re working for people who don’t appreciate you.
In a lot of cases, you are working with people who don’t like you. That’s why it’s so important to go out and do things that remind you that you have loved ones who care. So, we both got pedicures today.
It helped me prep for another photoshoot, it helped him regain his confidence, and it was a nice time for relaxation. If you can afford it, a salon or spa trip can do wonders for your confidence and focus.
Later tomorrow, he’ll get a relaxing back rub while he enjoys a favorite movie or TV show. Sometimes, just having that skin-to-skin contact can help you feel better.
Food trips.
So, I’ll be blunt. I still do work as a food critic and I regularly use restaurants (or even takeout at a workspace) as a way to get people talking to me. I will probably write a review on this place we found. I need it for my article stockpile for my food magazine launch.
But, one person’s work is another person’s time to unwind. When I need people to help me sample other foods for a review, I can’t help but notice how often the people I take with me feel refreshed, relaxed, and chilled out.
This time around, I made a point of making a rule: no work talk at the restaurant dinner table. It was harder than I thought. I may have trained myself to see food as work. Oops.
Going to a religious event.
So, this is more of a “me” refresher than it was for my husband. A lot of people get their power from spirituality — and I’m often one of those people. Thankfully, North Jersey has a lot of pagan meetups to work with.
A favorite of mine is a night market called Lunar Faire. It’s basically one of the few times you will see me walk through parks…primarily because it’s at night and I won’t get sick from the sunlight.
Lunar Faire is one of those spiritual places I go to when I just want to be around my fellow witches. They have delicious foods, herbal teas, scented candles, and a nice drag show.
You’ll also see people from all walks of paganism there. There are Wiccans, Norse worshippers, pan-African devouts, hoodoo practitioners, Native American spiritualists, and even Kemetics like me.
But, you don’t have to be a witch to enjoy it. I’ve seen plenty of monotheists show up and have a blast, too. As a person who is in a fringe religion, I really appreciate that inclusivity.
When it’s not that, it’s a local nightfolk/vampyre/witch meetup at a club in a certain city. Or it’s hanging out with my auntie, who is my closest coven member. (We love convening over tea, oracle cards, and cigarettes.)
Regardless of where it is, it’s pretty much the same thing. We do our rituals, turn up in our finest attire, enjoy good vibes, burn incense, wish one another well, and feel happy. It’s good stuff and helps me feel grounded in my faith.
If I was a more “cornfed” person, I suppose the equivalent would be going to a Sunday church meetup and having my husband talk to the pastor. If you are a spiritual person, having that inspiration can be a major awakening.
My spouse also is a massive fan of Lunar Faire and other pagan meets. Why? Because it’s literally a good way to escape from the doldrums, be surrounded by happy people, get blessed by a priest, and maybe eat something delicious.
Eat, drink, and enjoy relaxing food.
Finally, I wrapped up my day by buying some neat stuff at Lunar Fair. We bought three different types of nut butters, some tea, and some mugwort smokeables — all of which can have a calming influence on you.
When I notice I get burnt out, I try to focus on my diet.
I cut out microwave “easy meals” and fast food. Then, I start stacking up on salads, fruits, raw fish, and rare beef. In this case, I’m going to be surprising spouse with some pasta primavera: his favorite veggie-heavy meal.
Go out with friends.
It’s important to remember that creatives often rely on their friends to pep talk them. About a week ago into my husband’s burnout, I called up our homies from New York to come down to us.
These guys loved us when we were on the street, homeless. They also loved us when we were in a luxury apartment. And they love us now, when the chips are down but we’re on the mend.
Yes, I’m probably going to do a review on this place too. But the main thing to highlight here is that great friends are an amazing asset for your mental health.
A lot of the time, I have to remind myself that I don’t just do stuff for the money. I do it because I know I make my friends proud and because I want to represent us as a group.
By the end of our trip out together, we were all laughing. We had also made two new friends, turned a brief walk around town into a walking party, and felt like we were kings of the world.
Oh, and my goofy friend made me laugh so hard that I swallowed a pizza crust whole. I swear, these three could make a killing doing standup comedy.
Finally, remember to be the support and/or absorbent shoulder your partner needs.
So, I’m going to drive home the last point: if you are dating a creative person, you need to learn to be their comfort and their peace. Being in a creative field is a lot like sitting on a hot stove. You’re going to get burnt eventually.
However, if you work hard, don’t give up, regroup, and are lucky enough to have a support network, you might get somewhere. As Mike “the Situation” would say, the comeback is always greater than the setback.
You need to be there when it’s not easy for you to be there for your partner. You need to be there when they’re booed offstage, their business partners drop them, or they just get picked apart over asinine stuff.
You need to be there when they’re ugly-crying on the couch, wondering what they can do outside of their current career. Because if you can’t be there for the rough spots, you don’t deserve them at the pinnacle of their career, either.
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what a great way to start my day! thank you for sharing and inspiring me this morning